Catapult magazine6/15/2023 ![]() Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance. This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. Allow those suffering to tell their own stories. ![]() It’s not easy to know what this looks like - can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize?ħ. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed. Grieving is social, and so is healing.įor as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey.ĥ. Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.Ī hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. ![]() But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team - those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew - those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or covering all the bases. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience it is almost always false. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life - warts, wisdom, and all - with courage.Ģ. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn’t know we took for granted. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop. This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake.
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